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Bob is making tacos, and listening to metal on his headphones, singing along at the top of his little tone-deaf voice. God help us. At least there are tacos. My brain is exploding and I should be doing 85 things, but there is too much in there…it is creating a clog. I need to take it out and shake it.

Nevie is at war with me. I shouldn’t write about it here, but it is paralyzing me. She may hate me forever and I’m going to have to figure out a way to live beyond that. I look for guidance from professionals, and I can’t find a damn thing that in any way relates to my situation. I look for guidance from people in our life, and they give me the weakest advice…”Take her phone.” Yeah, that’ll fix it. Everyone who was a role model in her life, but me, has turned their back and washed their hands of the situation. She’s fine in school, she’s not on drugs, she’s not in trouble with the law. She just despises me and Bob with all the fiery poison of hell, and has absolutely no regard for anything we say. I want to die from the pain in my heart, but like all the things that I thought and hoped would kill me, it doesn’t.  I’m trying to tell myself that, worse case scenario, she never speaks to me again, but ends up an otherwise decent human, that will be okay. It’s not okay at all, but you know…I will find a way to accept it. In other areas, she’s decent. Most people want to placate me with,”Oh, she’s a teenager, she’ll get over it,” and that is not helpful at all and I wish they would STFU.

I feel very lonely. I feel like The Only One. My parents aren’t involved. My brother and sister aren’t involved. My aunts and uncles and cousins aren’t involved. Her dad and his family aren’t involved. The people of our extended family who tried to help have been scared off. Bob just shrugs. I literally have no one on this, and I am unable to control it, and I am unable to do anything about it, so that’s it.

I am the one who created all of our problems. I sure wish I had done every single thing differently, but now what? I sit with a heart that feels like tin cans and razor blades, and try to act like it doesn’t.

Maybe I should have created a better support system. My parents never had one, so I don’t really have an example in that. The WASP culture sucks at that stuff. I suck at that stuff. I come out, and want to have people in my life, and then they disappoint me, and I recoil into my little hole. I see on TV big, extended Italian, or Mexican, or whatever, families. I know this is a thing, people to be there for you. But then you have to be there for them. Who has time for that? Lol.

Love and light,

Your friend,

Hil

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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3 thoughts on “

  1. Stop beating yourself up and stop holding anyone accountable but Nevie. I went through something similar, only my daughter chose to take it off the deep end. I ended up having to file incorrigibility papers on her and having her pull a short stint in juvenile detention. I’m not going to murmur platitudes in your direction, because they don’t change the misery you’re feeling now. I WILL promise you this isn’t forever, and I CAN reassure you that it’s as unjustified as you feel it is.

    It’s also, unfortunately, going to have to run its course. It will, but it will be painful until your daughter has a rude awakening. And she will, at some point in the future. Count on it. Just take deep breaths and remind yourself that if your daughter has chosen to be independent, you’re justified in 1) billing her for her living expenses, and 2) living a glorious life independent of her. What’s more, if she needs rides to anywhere, she needs to dust off the bicycle, because non-parents don’t give rides to non-kids. The weather doesn’t allow biking to wherever? Guess she doesn’t go. Oh well.

    You don’t have to directly communicate this to her. If she comes seeking a ride, you give her the same level of attention she gives you on a regular basis: none. You drop the bill for her share of mortgage and utilities on her bed, and let her do her own laundry – which will also entail her providing her own soap, etc. If she’s determined to excommunicate you, from her life so be it. Just make her aware that with her choices come consequences, consequences SHE chose.

    I wish I could come give you a ginormous in-person hug. You’ll have to settle for a virtual one for now. *HUGE HUGS*

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  2. Teenagers are supposed to hate their parents. Particularly the ones who have done their best to do right by their kids. I am not going to tell you this will go away but it is a normal process. She may come back to you or she may not. Our children are not our property and as they grow up we are either part of their world or we are not. I know this does not help but it is truth. She may despise you for years and come back to you or maybe her soul needs to do something else that has nothing to do with you. It is earth magic and you provided the womb and the beginning of her story. Peace sister and hugs all around you

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