Well, things with N just got a bunch worse. I’m struggling to breathe. I came down with a hilarious UTI pretty much immediately, which is hilarious because in her book, You Can Heal Your Life, the great teacher of self-healing, Louise Hay, says that bladder problems probably have to do with:

“Anxiety. Fear of letting go. Holding on to old ideas. Being pissed off.”

I already knew all that is my problem, but fire piss and a stabbing pain in my back is really bringing it right to my full attention, thanks.

I have spent so much of my life struggling and pissed off, it’s so ridiculous how much time I have wasted struggling and pissed off.  My name should be STRUGGLING AND PISSED OFF…S.A.P.O. I would like to just leave that pattern behind.

Here are the antonyms of struggle, according to PowerThesaurus.org:

relax, repose, concord, harmony, calm, peacefulness, amity, bask, idle, goof, glide, hang, ease, coast…

:::::::::::::::::harmonious concord, amiable calm, goofy glide:::::::

Words to think about.

I went to the emergi-care last night, and they debated outside the closed door whether or not to send me to the ER for IV antibiotics, but ended up giving me the biggest antibiotic guns they prescribe and sending me home. I had a fever and stuff, but I didn’t realize it. I wish I could get off of this rollercoaster of 1. Have an Emotion 2. Get Sick. but I’m going to have to look at it as the way my body copes, I guess.

:::::amiable calm:::::::

So, I was looking at therapists for N., but she won’t go, so I decided to try something for myself. I’ve been twice now to this lady who does EMDR, which is the new big thing for PTSD. I don’t quite understand the science of it, but I suppose it doesn’t matter as long as I retain an open mind to her suggestions. It has something to do with how the brain heals traumatic memories in REM sleep, and that left/right/left/right pattern that your eyes make stimulates your brain to heal stuff up. If you stimulate your brain in other left/right/left/right ways, it will also induce that state.

She asked me to make a “happy place” to go to in my mind, and I surprised myself by choosing The Cloisters, in NYC. Who knew my subconscious was so classy? I guess I was there once as a teenager, and I thought it was unbelievable-off the charts-amazing, but I kind of forgot that I was ever there. The Cloisters is a castle in New York that was brought over, piece by piece, from Europe, and also is the home of The Unicorn Tapestries.

images.jpgThe_Cloisters_from_Garden.jpg

 

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abbey-cloister-saint-emilion-gironde-france-bernard-jaubert.jpg

Delicious, if you like castles. Which I do.

Now that I think of it, I think the Cloisters represent all of the classiness and classical-ish-ness that I was raised to be before I was traumatized. Choir-Cello-Shakespeare-Ivy League-Vacation in Maine-Gifted and Talented-Life As The Child of the Overeducated, Northeastern Liberal. I could be wrong, but I am guessing that I went there before 1996 (age 16), which is the point I feel my spiral out started, so I supposed The Cloisters is the perfect choice on many levels. Represents before I got much torn down. Of course, everyone is a bit torn down from childhood.

Isn’t it interesting how the mind works? It has always fascinated me how much the mind speaks in symbolism, and how much you can learn from that symbolism if you learn to speak the language.

Love and light,

Your friend,

Hil

 

 

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2 thoughts on “

  1. I’m sorry your life has decided to take a turn on you. The Cloisters are beautiful. Do you think you could paint something in that type of expression? Sorry about N. The teens try so hard to become “different” that often they just fight their own spirit to find their own way. Hope your therapy will bring YOU some peace.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. *Hugs* I can’t fix the situation with N. Neither, sadly, can you. She’s got to work through things. You lay down the law and enforce, to the best of your ability, and let go of everything that’s out of your control. Wish her well and let her be, as it were, telling her you’ll be there when she gets back, in the existential context.

    UTI’s are hell. I’m sorry you’re dealing with it, regardless of the cause. I hope you heal quickly.

    Liked by 1 person

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