I’ve started listening to Chet Baker, jazz musician. I used to hate jazz, because my father used to blast it early on Sunday mornings when I was trying to sleep. Bob hates jazz, because Bob hates anything that is smooth, so I haven’t tried it in ages. I stumbled across Chet Baker’s music at work, when I’m trying to set the classy vibe and sell some pears to high end restaurants. Dig him, though.

The EMDR did something in “there”,  because for the first time in years I was revisited by neurogenic tremors, commonly known as “the shakes”. The proverbial “They” say it is a healthy way that the body deals with trauma, and that all mammals do it. It used to happen every night, years ago, maybe only for a minute or two, but very creepy if you don’t know what it is. I never wanted to be alone when I was going to sleep, and Bob, nocturnal when we met, used to leave his work day to “put me to bed” at night…who could not fall in love with him? No one ever told me about neurogenic tremors because tons of therapists are negligent garbage with no checks and balances in place to ensure that they are doing anything at all. I fucking Googled it. I mean, I went to a 13 week course for victims of domestic violence, even…still no mention. I got better therapy from Google.

So, the shakes are back, which is actually GOOD news. We got into the problem area, and the body is doing the natural healing stuff it does, in my estimation. My mother would be GOD DAMNED AGAINST IT, I can tell you that. She likes to let “sleeping dogs lie” and feels she has had great success by just burying all trauma and planting flowers on top. I don’t know if she is right, but I will give this lady a trial and see if I feel any better or worse.

The UTI was gone as soon as I got the nuclear antibiotics, thank heaven.

All this “self care” stuff still seems selfish. Is this really how healthy people do? Just go around, taking care of themselves all day? Weird.

I am creating art programs in the tiny little town, here, and learning how to market and promote them. Learning about Facebook ads. Even in the middle of rural nowhere, I made an opportunity to use my creativity, so I’m proud of that. I should be painting now.

I should be painting now.

I should be painting now.

Still devastated about N. but there is no movement or change, so we must carry on, drink tea, pip pip.

love and light,

your friend,









2 thoughts on “

  1. N is in a selfish phase, and one of self discovery. The WORST thing you can do is mope over it, for her as well as for yourself. She needs to recognize that you exist as a human being, apart from your position as her mom. The best possible way to do that is yes – your self care – and generally living an awesome life.

    There’s a small chance she won’t come around. That’s always a risk. However, I find that highly unlikely. You raised her to be intelligent and self sufficient, but I think you also taught her compassion, integrity, and all those other cool things, as well. I can’t imagine you NOT teaching her those things. And they make for the very best internalized guilt trips 😉


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