I’m thinking maybe I need to have a doctor look at my foot. A few weeks ago, I dropped a laptop with considerable force, and it hit the top of my foot…YEEEOW! I figure it would be bruised and get better, but the underside of my arch is still hurting when I walk. Technology…trying to kill us.
I’m generally being miserable up in the Adirondacks this week. Have you ever felt miserable, and just pushed yourself to get over it, get over it, GET OVER IT, and then given up into the ALL THE MISERABLE AT THE MISERABLE BUFFET? I’m kind of there. I am all the miserable at the miserable buffet. This was supposed to be a family vacation, but Nevie wasn’t going, Bob couldn’t get the time off, and then Sequoia didn’t want to go with just me..LAME, so I tried to reframe it as a wonderful, ascetic (I had to look that word up), artist’s retreat. Oh, the lovely painting I would do! Oh, the lovely nature I would be surrounded by! I would live on strawberries, chocolate and green tea! Oh, the grandness!
Well, I got here. I missed my family. I was pissed off at them for not being here, and I didn’t want to go hiking, I didn’t want to go swimming, I didn’t want to even go shopping at the Most General General Store. Also, I didn’t want to draw. Everything is different, everything has changed, gentrified. There are fucking labradoodles everywhere, and everything is landscaped, artisan, and cold-brewed. When I was a kid, this place was basically a big, drunk trailer park with boats.
It’s me. I’m just pissed about a lot of things right now. Nazis. Our President. The lack of community in my life. My daughter, N. The construction that my mom is doing here at the cabin. We didn’t own the land where the spring is, and the land has been sold, so the new guy says we CAN’T GET WATER THERE AFTER 35 YEARS, JUST TO BE A DICK. My future. It seems to be a big thing when a person doesn’t have something to look forward to, I’ve learned. It doesn’t seem that big, but it is pivotal, I think, to feel that you are moving in a good direction. I feel like I’m losing a lot of things, and not gaining things. Nature abhors a vacuum, and I know something is coming, intellectually, but emotionally, just loss. I’ve got to make something to look forward to, something to be excited about.
I’ve started this EMDR therapy that is supposed to help with PTSD, and I think that is messing with my emotions, too. This was not a good week to go toying with my brain, so I did it anyway.
I don’t know if I should have stayed home. I would have been in a bad mood there, too. I did paint this fish.
love and light,